the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
