you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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