I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
