I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
