I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize