Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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