Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
