Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
