you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Come on in and take your pants off
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