I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
