Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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