my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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