i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
