I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
