in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
