Can Purell be used as lube?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
