If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize