I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The Olympian is in my bed
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
