Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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