Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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