He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
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