Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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