WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I think I just sharted jello shots
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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