There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
