Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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