Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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