I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
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woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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