This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
