I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
