the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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