I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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