I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
