This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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