Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
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i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
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I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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