If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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