No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
