I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
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