You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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