Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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