I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
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If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP