you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
tequila makes me forget i have legs
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
