The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
