Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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