This is not my ceiling
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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