Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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