just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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