Where is the hickey?
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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