I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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