I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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