so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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