I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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