this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
