oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We need to rekindle our bromance
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
