she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
