News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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