hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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