Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
