Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
