So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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