Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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