She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
